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"No! No! No! World without sunshine! World without joy!" ~ Superstar, Season 4

^_^ Me either.

Enjoy the Xander Quotage!

Season 1
 
"And I, in the meantime, will help by standing around like an idiot." ~ The Harvest
 
"I laugh in the face of danger! Then I hide until it goes away." ~ The Witch
 
"To read makes our speaking English good." ~ I Robot, You Jane

"I'm just gonna go home, lie down, and listen to country music. The music of pain." ~ Prophecy Girl

"For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me." ~ The Witch
 
(to Buffy) "We're right behind you, only. . . further back." ~ The Witch

"I'm planning to be witty. I'm gonna make fun of all the people who won't talk to me." ~ I Robot, You Jane

WILLOW: Personal question?
XANDER: Yeah, shoot.
WILLOW: When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you?
XANDER: Willow, how can you. . . I mean, that's really bent. She was. . . grotesque.
WILLOW: Still dug her, huh?
XANDER: I'm sick. I need help.
~ Nightmares
 
“Well, I guess it could be worse. I could have gangrene on my face.” ~ Prophecy Girl
 
(to Angel) XANDER: You were looking at my neck.
ANGEL: What?
XANDER: You were checking out my neck! I saw that!
ANGEL: No, I wasn't!
XANDER: Just keep your distance, pal.
ANGEL: I wasn't looking at your neck!
XANDER: I told you to eat before we left.
~ Prophecy Girl

Season 2
 
"Buffy, Lady of Buffdom, Dutchess of Buffonia. I am in awe. I completely renounce spandex." ~ Halloween
 
XANDER: What? And suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark.
WILLOW: You're not gonna be young forever.
XANDER: Yes, but I'll always be stupid. *silence* Okay, let's not all rush to disagree. ~ What's My Line Part One

(to Giles) 
“You ready to get down, you funky party weasel?” ~ Surprise
 
XANDER: Buffy, I feel a pre-birthday spanking coming on.
JENNY: I'd curb that impulse if I were you, Xander.
XANDER: *speaking into his shirt* Check, cancel spanking.
~ Surprise
 
"Well, this is new territory for me. I mean, my valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders." ~ Bewtiched, Bothered, and Bewildered

GILES: Here comes Buffy. Now remember, discretion is the better part of valor.
XANDER: You coulda just said, “Shh!” God, are all you Brits such drama queens?
~ Surprise

GILES: Still, best to be, uh, on the alert. If Drusilla is alive, it could be a fairly. . . cataclysmic state of affairs.
XANDER: Again, so many words! Couldn't you just say, 'we'd be in trouble'?
GILES: Go to class, Xander.
XANDER: Gone. *beat* Notice the economy of phrasing. “Gone.” Simple. Direct.
~ Surprise

XANDER: Oh here we go! I am the bug man, coo coo ka choo. Okay. Okay. He can only be killed when he's in his disassembled state. (slowly, to Cordelia) Disassembled - that means when he's broken down into his little buggy parts.
CORDELIA: I know what it means, dorkhead.
XANDER: Dorkhead! You slash me with your words!
~ What's My Line Part Two
 
WILLOW: So far I've counted four marriage certificates.
XANDER: Any divorce papers?
WILLOW: Not a one.
XANDER: So either our boy was a Mormon, or. . .
~ Ted
 
“Last time Cordy dragged me in here it was a lot nicer.” ~ Bad Eggs

Season 3
 
(thoughts after realizing that Buffy can now read everyone’s mind) 
"What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. . . Sex. HELP! *panicking* Four times five is thirty. Five times six is thirty-two. Naked girls. . . . Naked women. . . . heehee, Naked Buffy. . . - Oh, stop me! *runs away*" ~ Earshot
 
(about Oz) 
“It’s different now. It's more a verbal nonverbal. He speaks volumes with his eyes. ~ Gingerbread
 
(pretending to read library computer screen) 
“’Frisky Watchers Chat Room’. Why, Giles!” ~ Gingerbread
 
(about the SATs)
“I hate that they make us take that thing. It's totally fascist, and personally, I think it, uh, discriminates against the uninformed.” ~ Band Candy
 
“I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff, but I've had a ton, and I don't feel any dif –
 
*notices the captain obvious stares everyone is giving him*
 
Never mind.” ~ Band Candy
 
Season 4
 
"Why couldn't Giles have shackles like any self-respecting bachelor?!" ~ Living Conditions
 
"Oh!!! OH! He's like your kryptonite!" ~ Superstar
 
XANDER: So we're saying he did a spell just to make us think he was cool?
GILES: Yes.
XANDER: That is so cool!
~ Superstar
 
(to Buffy
Just because you’re better than us doesn’t mean that you can be all superior!” ~ The Yoko Factor
 
(about Willow and Buffy) 
"This is so like them lately. It's all about them and the college life. Well, you know what college is? It's high school only without the actual going to class. Well . . . high school was kinda like that too. But the point is, I'm out there working hard to make a living. It's nothing but a huge joke to them. *whining* Xander got fired from Starbucks. Xander got fired from that phone-sex line." ~ The Yoko Factor
 
Season 5
 
XANDER: Where is he??? Where's the creep that turned me into his spider-eating man-bitch?!?
BUFFY: He's gone.
XANDER: Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey!!! ~ Buffy vs. Dracula
 
(to Willow trying to convince her that he's the "real" Xander)
“Let's see. *paces* Stuff only you and me know. *thinking*
 
Okay! On my seventh birthday, I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it. And then the house next door burnt down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me ^_^
 
. . .
 
And if you did, you can tell me! *grinning*
 
*more pacing*
 
For a while last year, I thought I was lactose intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie. Oh! *pointing excitedly* Every Christmas, we watch Charlie Brown together, and I do the Snoopy dance.
 
*big smile while starting to do the Snoopy dance*” ~ The Replacement
 
WILLOW: Xand, what if somebody had a secret, and that somebody promised somebody else that they wouldn't tell anyone?
XANDER: News flash, Will, everybody knows.
WILLOW: No, this isn't about me and Tara.
XANDER: Oh. Well, not that I wouldn't be all ears if you wanted tell me a secret about you two. Even if it was very, very naughty.
~ Buffy vs. Dracula
 
“There comes a point where you either have to move on, or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and. . . go with it.” ~ The Replacement

XANDER 1: We're completely identical.
XANDER 2: Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over. *awkward silence*. . . (realizing how that sounds) Fingerprints! ~ The Replacement
 
Season 6
 
“House of chicks, relax. I am a man, and I have a tool. *sees Dawn* Tools. Lots of plural tools. In my, uh . . .  toolbox. *official change of subject* Ah! Sandwiches. Excellent! Men like sandwiches.” ~ The Beginning Part One
 
(to Andrew) 
“You’ve never had any tiny bit of sex have you.” ~ Two to Go
 
(while lost in the woods)
XANDER: Okay, this is really starting to grate my cheese. These woods aren't that big. Now, I know we've been going straight because I've been following the North Star.
WILLOW: Xander, that's not the North Star. It's an airplane.
XANDER: Nah, that's not an airplane. It's definitely. . . a blimp! But I can see how one. . .could make that airplane mistake. . .
~ The Beginning Part Two
 
Season 7
 
"Poems. Always a sign of pretentious inner turmoil." ~ Help
 
"Sunnydale. Come for the food; stay for the dismemberment." ~ Beneath You
 
XANDER: They'll never know how tough it is, Dawnie – to be the one who isn't chosen – to live so near to the spotlight and never step in it. But I know. I see more than anybody realizes because nobody's watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You're not special. You're extraordinary.
DAWN: Maybe that's your power.
XANDER: What?
DAWN: Seeing, knowing.
XANDER: Maybe it is. . .Maybe I should get a cape.
~ Potential
 
*fed up* “Another demon woman was attracted to me. I'm going gay. I've decided I'm turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on, let's gay!” ~ First Date
 
"Hey, party in my eye socket! And everyone's invited!
 
*roomful of stares*
 
Sometimes I shouldn't say words. " ~ Chosen  

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
likegrass
Jul. 16th, 2008 07:46 am (UTC)
lololololol thank you so much for these :D

XANDER: Oh here we go! I am the bug man, coo coo ka choo. Okay. Okay. He can only be killed when he's in his disassembled state. (slowly, to Cordelia) Disassembled - that means when he's broken down into his little buggy parts.
CORDELIA: I know what it means, dorkhead.
XANDER: Dorkhead! You slash me with your words!



my_will_be_done
Jul. 17th, 2008 12:45 am (UTC)
lol
I love the Xander-Cordy dialogue ^_^
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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